The Fourth Wall
by theFlyingHobbit
Summary: The characters of Shingeki no Kyojin (Attack on Titan) discover technology and chaos ensues. And laptops have tremendous killing qualities. ((cover image by museoforpheus))
1. Laptops Can Kill Titans

One day, Mikasa finds Eren crying in the corner. She's concerned – the last time Eren shook and cried like this was when the Titans killed his mother – but she's also slightly annoyed because it's very likely that he could just be being melodramatic again.

"What's wrong, Eren?" she asks, kneeling beside him.

He looks up at her, eyes wide and bloodshot. He's clutching something in his arms, but he drops it on the ground when he turns to look at her. Mikasa is surprised. It's a laptop (FROM THE FUTURE), and she wonders where on earth he got such a thing.

Eren shakily looks her in the eye and whispers in a hoarse voice, "I don't like gay sex."

Mikasa raises an eyebrow. She picks up the laptop from the ground, opens it up, and stares at the screen. Her eyes widen.

Then she slowly stands up, walks out the door, and proceeds to find Levi. And kick him.

Levi is very confused (and pissed) as to why Mikasa just kicked him in the balls.

"You're lucky I don't castrate you," she simply says. "Never touch Eren. Ever."

And so Levi proceeds to find Eren. That brat is going to die. Eren is still curled up in the corner.

He squeaks in horror when he sees Levi, who sees the laptop still open on the ground. Curious, he reads what's on the screen.

Then he screams like a girl, picks up the laptop and proceeds to throw it out the window. It hits a nearby titan on the head and it dies instantly (remember: Yaoi kills, kids!).

Levi runs off and proceeds to take a shower. Again and again, until all the soap is used up. He will never be clean again.

It takes him months before he can see Eren without shrieking and promptly running towards the shower.

Meanwhile, the silver laptop has somehow managed to find its way into the hands of none other than Jean Kirstein. It's quite indestructible, it seems, though it's evidently useful for fighting titans. He opens it up. It's still on the page Eren left it at, and when Jean reads it, he proceeds to go and burn his eyeballs out. But then he comes back, curiosity getting the better of him. If there are stories written about his captain and his rival, then there must be some about everyone else.

He finds one with the summary: _Mikasa finally can't hold back her feelings for Jean._ It's rated M. He wonders what that means. M for… marvelous?

Halfway through the story he can't take it anymore and falls backwards with a nosebleed.

Sasha happens to walk by and notices Jean on the ground, blood dripping from his nose. She takes the laptop, reads it, and bursts out laughing.

"Jean, you pervert!" she exclaims. She hits the backwards arrow and reads some other hilarious stories, then rushes off to find Connie.

"Connie! You have to see this!" Sasha bursts into the door, potato in one hand (she stopped by the kitchen for a snack) and laptop in another. No one may ever know how she didn't drop anything. Ymir and Krista are there as well, and everyone looks up in surprise.

"Check this out!" she says excitedly, plopping down on the ground. "There are stories about everyone! Some are really funny, and I caught Jean reading one about him and Mikasa doing some… questionable activities.

They (well, mostly Sasha and Connie) laugh for hours over Reiner wearing a dress for Halloween (whatever that was) and the misadventures of the 104th Trainees Squad.

"Look, this one has art that goes with it!" Sasha says, clicking on the link. Everyone's eyes bug out when they see Eren drawn with the bottom of his shirt in his mouth, lying in a suggestive position.

Connie and Sasha cover their eyes in horror. "Oh, hell no!" Connie shrieks. Krista squeaks and looks away as well. Ymir isn't exactly fazed by the picture, but she looks at the ground anyways, thinking, _There's no way Jaeger is that muscular._

But the next picture they come across is one of Krista and Ymir gets angry, wondering who the heck drew that picture and walks off in a huff, dragging her blonde friend with her.

The next day, however, when the four of them see any one of their friends, they burst out laughing. Levi wonders what the heck is wrong with them, but then again, they've always been weird.

Somehow the laptop ends up in Armin's arms. After one experience with a very awkward M-rated story, he stays away from them, but instead analyzes all the pairings of people and ultimately decides that Mikasa may or may not be in love with Eren but he will never be in love with Jean.

He also finds some well-written stories about the titans and how they came to be, and bookmarks them for further analysis. He considers showing them to Hanji, but she might go berserk over them (she's already crazy enough) so instead he just stows the laptop carefully in one of his drawers.

Levi walks around through the rooms for his weekly check. No flaws in any of the girls' rooms, except for a few suspicious crumbs under Sasha's bunk. The boys' rooms are surprisingly clean, and he smirks at this because obviously his message got across last time, when their room wasn't clean and he gave them double duty for a month.

He quickly checks Armin's drawers, because although Armin would never do such a thing, sometimes Jaeger will stow things (instead of actually picking up) in his friend's drawers, thinking Levi doesn't check there.

Instead of seeing crumpled clothes, he sees a shiny silver laptop.

Levi screams with horror, opens up the window, and chucks the device out the window, hitting a titan on the head and killing it instantaneously.

And proceeds to take a shower.

* * *

**If the Fourth Wall was destroyed by the Colossal Titan.**


	2. I Ship Levi and Cleaning Products

**This was initially just going to be a one shot. But then I got more ideas. And this happened. :D So this will just be a collection of crack fics. **

* * *

"I don't know where it went," Armin says. He, Mikasa, and Eren are walking through the town for their weekly outing.

Eren shudders. "I'm glad it's gone," he says. He will never be able to forget the things he read.

"Why do you want it anyways?" Mikasa asks. She narrows her eyes as she thinks about that horrid laptop again.

"There were some good theories about the titans," Armin replies. "I don't know where they came from but I was going to think about them more. But now I have no access to them." Suddenly, he says, "Hey, isn't Jean's birthday soon? We could bake him a pie!" He walks over to the stall. "And look, the apples are half off!"

Armin considers buying the apples, and Eren says, "I don't care about that horse face. Do what you want."

Mikasa looks around and then narrows her eyes.

"The Garrison has been slacking off again," she mutters. They're standing by Wall Rose, and as Mikasa points it out, they can see that there is a sizable crack in the wall.

"Hey, what's that?" Eren asks, looking closer into the gap. "I think there's something there."

"Let me see," Armin says. "Hey, there is." He puts a hand in the gap, feeling around. It's a tight squeeze, but he grasps something smooth and solid and manages to pull it out.

Silence. "Um… what is it?" Eren asks.

It fits in the palm of Armin's hand, and seems to have some sort of reflective surface. "Hey, I read about this! It's a phone!"

"A phone?" Mikasa asks, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah," Armin replies. "On the laptop, I read some information about this. It helps people communicate. I've only seen pictures of it, but I'm sure this is one of them. I can reach the archive that contains those stories too! This is great!"

He presses a button the screen lights up. "Titan Mobile?" Mikasa reads dubiously. "Are you sure we can trust this, Armin?"

"I'll be careful with it. Don't worry, Mikasa," Armin replies. An image of the Recon Corps shows up on the screen. "See, it's safe."

"Alright…" Mikasa still isn't convinced.

"What does it do?" Eren asks.

"Just watch," Armin says. The circular logo is located at the bottom of the screen and he presses it again. They hear a click and there is a picture of their feet. "It's called a camera."

"Cool," Eren says.

"I'll examine it more later," Armin says, pocketing the device.

When they arrive back at HQ, they are greeted by Sasha. "GUYS YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS!" she shouts. Mikasa winces as Sasha grabs her by the arm and drags her through the door. Armin and Eren look at each other, shrug, and follow after them.

They hear music coming from upstairs. "What is going on?" Eren asks.

"Shhhh!" Sasha puts a finger to her lips and motions for them to follow her as she tiptoes up the stairs.

The first thing they see is their entire group of friends, huddled around a door. The second thing they see is Levi. Smiling. Holding a broom. _And dancing._

Eren's eyes bug out. Mikasa's mouth opens slightly in shock. Sasha quickly pulls them to the side. Eren peeks around Jean's head, who isn't freaking out about the fact that Mikasa is practically breathing on him because he's so fixated on watching their captain dance.

The music that is playing is what one might call "punk rock". They watch as Levi raises the broom, sweeps up some mothballs, and then brings it up like it's an imaginary guitar, striking a pose. The song ends. No one says anything, afraid that he'll be alerted to their presence. He will kill them all.

Another song starts up. This one is different. Everyone sweatdrops when Levi picks up a bottle of Lysol spray and sprays it in the air, making spirally patterns . He moves around the room, gracefully turning in time with the music. Then he twirls in a perfect circle, throwing his arms in the air, and allows the misty spray to drift over him as the last note fades.

And then another song comes on. With a very dramatic and serious look on his face, he picks up a mop and dips it into a bucket filled with soapy water. Then he struts back and forth across the floor in a tango. With the mop as his partner. Evidently, he takes his dancing very, very seriously.

Connie runs down the stairs because he can't stand it anymore and if he laughs then they will all die a painful death.

But then they realize that beyond the fact that he's dancing with a _mop_… he's actually quite good at dancing.

Then Armin comes up with an ingenious idea. He slowly takes the phone out from his pocket, opens up the camera, and snaps a picture just as Levi dips the broom.

Click! The sound seems to reverberate around the entire castle .

Everyone freezes in terror as Levi turns and sees them. His eyes widen, expression changing from shock to anger, and then to deadly calm. They recognize it – this is the expression he wears when he fights the Titans. And then he growls, "You runts better _run_."

They all bolt, almost trampling each other as they try to get down the stairs.

Levi rounds them up with no problem. They all cringe as they stand in line and he stares them down (up, technically), all except Mikasa, who just glares at him like, _I dare you to make me wash everyone's laundry._ Last time he did so, she made sure to wash his cravats with her very red scarf.

He decides that killing them would be too kind. "You brats deserve to die," he spat. "I'm going to enjoy watching you suffer." They waited for the verdict. "I'm handing you over to Hanji. You're going to help her with her… experiments. For, let's say, the next month," he finishes in a deadly whisper.

The reaction is instantaneous. "NO PLEASE. LEVI HEICHOU," Sasha begs, falling to her knees.

"WE'LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU," Connie adds.

"I'll make you tea whenever you want," Krista squeaks.

"I promise to buy you that really expensive cleaning product you eye every time you're in town!" Armin cries.

"And I'll do your paperwork for you!" Eren chips in.

"Why the hell would I want you to do my paperwork, Jaeger?" Levi growls.

"I'll clean that moldy growth behind the stove that's been bothering you all week!" Jean says. It's tempting, but Levi still doesn't concede.

Everyone (even Mikasa) falls to their knees and for once in his life, Levi is looking _down_ at them. "Anything at all! Just please, not Hanji!" everyone begs. He is unfazed.

As if summoned by the very mention of her name, Hanji appears out of nowhere. "Heyyyyy, kiddies!" she exclaims. "How's it going?"

"Hanji, these brats are going to assist you for the next month," Levi tells her.

Hanji practically leaps ten feet into the air. "Really? Whoo-hoo! We're gonna have so much fun!"

Everyone turns a shade paler. One of the recruits begins to pray under his breath. Connie faints. Sasha crawls up to Levi's feet and grabs them, sobbing loudly. "LEVI HEICHOU. WE'RE SORRY. PLEASE DON'T SEND US TO OUR DEATHS."

"Deaths?" Hanji says. "Nah, nobody's gonna die. Unless you die of joy, that is. It's fascinating, really. You know, I should fill you in, since you're going to be helping me and all. So I've been thinking…" Levi gives them all a glare, telling them to stay put as he walks away, leaving them at the mercy of Hanji's rambling.

They would much rather face Levi and his laundry punishments than Hanji. But after a very long day filled with blood and chores, they all crowd into Armin's room and roll on the floor in laughter in remembrance of Levi's dancing. After all, he captured it on camera.

But then Armin decides that a video would be much better. And he would gladly take another month of working with Hanji if he could only document Levi's dancing.

A couple weeks later the tranquil silence is interrupted by a shrill shriek. An enraged Levi, wielding two Swiffer dusters, chases after Armin. Armin has his 3DMG strapped to his waist (he filmed Levi through the window) and waves his phone in the air as he runs. If looks could kill, Armin would be six feet under.

"Guys I got it!" he shouts, running for his life.

"Arlert, you are going to wish the titans ate you!"

* * *

**Yeah, doesn't really have anything to do with fanfiction or fanart but... phones that come from Wall Rose? xD**

**And Levi dancing.**

**Also, my friend drew a picture of Levi chasing Armin, and it's linked on my profile so be sure to check it out!**


	3. Crack via Tumblr

**My friend's sister came up with this idea and it was absolutely brilliant. I tried to format it like Tumblr, but I couldn't get it to work so I kind of just left it like a regular blog with comments. **

**Enjoy! :)**

* * *

"Hey, guys, check this out," Armin walks over with a laptop in his arms, grinning excitedly.

"Where did you find that?" Sasha asks, bounding over. "I thought the laptop disappeared."

"He found it again," Eren explains. "Outside, just lying in the grass."

"It was strange," Mikasa adds.

"So what did you want to show us?" Jean asks.

Armin turned the device so the screen faces them. At the top of the page are the words: Intelligence is the New Sexy.

No one can resist raising an eyebrow. "What exactly is this, Armin?" Connie asks.

"It's called Tumblr," Armin begins. "You can interact with lots of other people, and also have your own blog where you can post things and people will follow you."

"Follow me?" Connie raised an eyebrow. "Why would I want people to follow me?"

"Not like actually following you," Armin explains. "I mean that they'll read what you write."

"So this is your blog," Jean says.

"Yeah." Armin grins. "It's pretty great. People love me."

"Can I make an account?" Jean asks.

"Sure." Armin clicks a few things and then hands the laptop over to his friend. "You just have to think of a username and password. Mine is nerdcorps104."

First, Jean tries: JeanisAwesome. It's taken. So is EveryoneLovesJean. And everything else he tries. Eren rolls his eyes every time Jean tries something else, but laughs when the username is rejected.

"I've got an idea," he says, grabbing the laptop from Jean, who says, "Hey!" Eren types something and grins when it's available. He hands the laptop back to Jean.

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Seabiscuit," Eren says, smirking. "Or if you prefer, Mrs. Eabiscuit."

"What the-" Jean realizes what Eren did and glares. "Jeager, do you want to die?"

"It's not my fault you have a horse face," Eren replies. "And everything was taken anyways."

Jean wants to change it but it's too late because Eren already created the account. Well, Armin knows that Jean could change his username, but it's pretty funny, so he doesn't say anything.

"What do we do with a blog anyways?" Ymir asks.

Armin shrugs. "We just talk about our lives, I guess."

"Great, this will be really helpful," Jean says, fingers flying as he hurriedly makes his blog. He titles it "How to be Awesome" and everyone rolls their eyes.

"No one's going to think you're awesome with a username like mrseabiscuit," Eren says, snickering.

"Shut up, Jaeger," Jean growls. Then he retitles his blog "My Faith in Humanity" and then makes his first post.

**mrseabiscuit (via My Faith in Humanity): **Eren Jaeger is an idiot.

"Hey, don't hog it, all of us have to make our own too, Jean," Sasha says, pushing Jean aside and signing him out.

Eventually they all have their own blogs, even Mikasa, because everyone convinced her. There's nerdcorps104, mrseabiscuit, foodguru26, theavatarman, 2tall4u, luvdatass, incrediblehulk2, brotherskeeper10, kickurass, freedomangel, and historylover17.

"What are you brats doing?" Levi walks through the door and Armin is able to just barely hide the laptop away before he sees it. They all give him innocent looks.

"Nothing, Heichou," they all chorus.

Throughout the week, they all get their profile pictures taken, using Armin's phone. Connie wants to take a picture as he's flying through the air on his 3DMG during training, and they somehow manage to get one without Levi noticing but Connie ended up making a really hilarious face. Armin wouldn't let him take another one though because he didn't want Levi to notice.

"Hey, you've been on your blog for ages!" Reiner says, trying to drag Sasha away from the computer.

"No, I haven't - hey! That hurt!" Sasha complains, holding the laptop to her chest.

"It's been an hour, I timed it," Ymir says, pointing to the clock. "Let us have a turn."

"You're just jealous because people love my food more than they love your dumb posts about working out, Reiner." Sasha blows a raspberry.

"Hey, Sasha, is it my turn yet?" Connie asks, walking into the scene.

"Shove off, Connie," Jean says, following behind. "I haven't been online all day."

"We only have a short time before training starts again and I just want to post one thing," Bertholdt argues.

The bickering continues and Eren, Mikasa, and Armin walk in.

"Sasha, if you spend any more time on the computer you're going to become a Computer Potato," Annie says.

"No one wants to read your stupid blog anyways," Jean says. "I have way more followers than you."

"Wait, how many followers do you have?" Eren demands, walking up to Jean.

Jean turns and smirks. "Five hundred." Eren's jaw drops. "Jealous, Jeager?"

"Okay, guys, calm down!" Armin says. Nobody listens, but then he puts his fingers into his mouth and whistles loudly. Everyone stops arguing. "I'll make a schedule," Armin says. "Then no one can fight over who gets to use the laptop when."

Armin grabs paper and pencil and writes down a reasonable schedule. There is a little argument over some of the time slots, but a simple glare from Mikasa shuts them all up.

The next days are spent hiding away with the laptop whenever they get a break from training, sneaking around so that Levi doesn't catch them.

"Will you guys please be models for me?" Krista asks during breakfast one morning. "I have a just a couple things designed, and people really want to see them on real people." The boys shift uncomfortably. The idea of being models is a horrible thought, but Krista is a sweet as the cinnamon rolls they're eating for breakfast and they don't have the heart to say no.

"Sure, Krista," they all say, wondering if they should be dreading this or not.

It's evening after a long day of training, and while everyone is cleaning up, Reiner brings up Ymir's blog in conversation. "I hear your relationship advice has been pretty popular, Ymir," Reiner says. "Pretty good for someone who's never been in a relationship."

"I have years of experience, don't question me," she says. "And why do you even care, do you have someone you need advice for?"

"No, but Jean does." Reiner smirks. "I think he takes notes on the things you post."

Ymir smirks at this. "Yeah he would, wouldn't he? He's like a lovesick little puppy."

Meanwhile, still out in the training grounds, Bertholdt stands up and brushes dirt off his pants. "Annie, since you're posting so many fighting tutorials, maybe I'll be able to beat you someday," Bertholdt says, smiling.

Annie rolls her eyes. "Sure. But you're so tall gravity makes you fall on your own anyways."

That night, Armin sees that Jean looks extremely frustrated right before bed, and seeing that he has a pencil and paper in hand, Armin realizes why. "I think you'd better not use the poetry idea, Jean," Armin says, "because Mikasa will not be impressed. Did you see the poem she posted yesterday? All the symbolism and imagery and everything, like seriously." Seeing Jean's dejected face, Armin pats him on the shoulder. "It's okay, you'll find another way."

Connie particularly likes using the laptop at night (when all the night bloggers are out). "Okay, Connie, what exactly is climate change anyways?" Eren asks, looking over Connie's shoulder while brushing his teeth.

Connie shrugs while not looking up from the heated debate he was furiously countering. "No idea. But people are pretty crazy about it."

Levi notices that no one has been complaining as much recently. And everyone seems so… chipper, which is just completely suspicious because Eren usually never gets out of bed unless Levi stands over him with a bucket of soapy water.

But one day he realizes what has been going on. On a weekly round of cleaning, Armin mistakenly leaves the laptop on top of his clothes in his drawer, instead of underneath.

And Levi finds it.

Levi picks it up and is prepared to throw it out the window. It's like the thing just keeps coming back like a cursed object. But then he thinks that maybe this has something to do with how strange everyone has been acting, and curiosity gets the better of him. So he cautiously opens it up. If they're doing things behind his back, then he's going to know about it.

Armin has left his blog open in the browser, and Levi scrolls through. Armin has mentioned that all of his other friends have blogs too. Levi realizes that he can follow all of their blogs on his phone. He contemplates this thought. It would be helpful (and amusing) if he could find out what they were talking about. They were being so secretive about it that they obviously posted many things they thought he wouldn't find out about.

He carefully places the laptop back in the drawer, and Levi walks back to his quarters and makes his very own Tumblr blog. He makes his username "the-tea-god" and titles his blog "Cleanliness if Next to Godliness".

And then he follows everyone.

* * *

**nerdcorps104 (via Intelligence is the New Sexy):** Whoever can solve this message will get a good laugh: Mivo ies shi tess mivil pf shisi hoent bss siis. :D

**historylover17:** Srath ies ciin teid.

**nerdcorps104:** Bh, tu zua ievi gofarid kt pat!

**incrediblehulk2:** WHAT THE HELL IS THIS EVEN?

**theavatarman:** Wait guys, I've got this. It's "Connie is awesome and everyone loves him"

**historylover17:** ...

**nerdcorps104:** …Nice try, but no.

* * *

**titanstains (via How to Clean Titan Stains):** Did you know? Singing while you work makes cleaning more efficient!

**Reblogged by the-tea-god  
**

* * *

**brotherskeeper10 (via In Memory of Our Lives):** Birds fly overhead/Going south on their way home/Watching them with a wistful sigh/Wishing we were one of them

**foodguru26: **Oooh! Birds!

**nerdcorps104: **This is amazing, Mikasa! You write like Whitman :)

**incrediblehulk2: **Wow Mikasa! I didn't know you wrote poetry! But uh… what does it mean?

**mrseabiscuit:** Idiot. Appreciate the beauty of this poetry. And don't worry Mikasa, birds always fly south. It's kind of a yearly thing.

**brotherskeeper10:** You all are uneducated swine…

**(reblogged via Solitary Hunter) kickurass:** The best time to go bird hunting is late afternoon. And the best time for bacon is in the early mornings.

**brotherskeeper10:** Very funny, Leonhart.

**foodguru26:** Actually, bird hunting, like bacon, is best in the early morning as well.

* * *

Levi is surprised; Ackerman can write some decent poetry it seems. He reads through some more that she's written and nods his head in approval.

* * *

**theavatarman (via Connie Is Always Right):** Climate change is very obviously caused by humans! Y'all can go home!

* * *

**mrseabiscuit (via My Faith In Humanity):** Ugh. Levi just kicked my ass for not soaking the dishes in soapy water for five minutes _exactly_.

**incrediblehulk2:** Ha. Sucks to suck!

**mrseabiscuit:** Shut up. Do you want me to tell him you were the one who tracked mud everywhere?

* * *

**foodguru26 (via Tea is the Sauce of Life):** Just got a brand new pack of tea crackers! I have the best hiding place for it all. There happens to be a loose floorboard underneath my bed. But if it gets stolen, I'll know who it is!

* * *

**titanstains (via How to Clean Titan Stains):** Did you just run into a tree, getting blood, sap, and bark all over your clothes? Never fear! This little remedy of coffee and lemon juice will fix it right up!

* * *

**2tall4u (via Being Colossal):** Problem #57: I can't walk into Heichou's office without hitting my head at least once.

**(reblogged via Kill the Titans) incrediblehulk2:** AHAHAHAHA THIS IS HILARIOUS

**(reblogged via In Memory of Our Lives) brotherskeeper10:** Best one yet.

* * *

**freedomangel (via Wings of Fashion):** Here are the pictures you guys requested! Thanks to all my models!

**luvdatass:** I think I look the best. Just saying.

**theavatarman:** Pfffft. Jean, so sexy.

**mrseabiscuit:** Shut up.

**nerdcorps104:** Really nice pictures, Krista! Great job!

**freedomangel:** Thanks Armin!

**kickurass:** Why is Bertholdt cut out of the last picture?

**freedomangel:** Ah! So sorry Bertl! I tried to get full body shots of all of you, but you were slightly cut off because I'm short, but the picture was good anyways so I posted it.

**2tall4u:** No problem. Gives me more ideas for posts :P

**historylover17:** Next time you need help just holler.

**freedomangel:** Thanks Ymir :)

* * *

One day, Sasha bursts angrily through the door. "Who took my crackers?" she shouts. "I know it was one of you, no one else knows where I hide my food."

"Us and everyone on Tumblr," Reiner says, leaning back in his chair.

"I don't need your sass, Reiner," Sasha glares.

"Why would we want your food?" Mikasa says, looking over. "We aren't the ones who have to be constantly eating."

Sasha turns and grabs Connie by his shirt. "Was it you?"

"No, I don't like your crackers, remember? They're too salty."

"But they're my tea crackers," Sasha groans.

Passing by the door, Levi overhears their conversation and smirks.

They start to get suspicious when Levi suddenly knows _everything_. Like the places they stash their things to avoid cleaning. Eren gets busted for tracking mud through the hallways and Jean swears he never told Levi anything. The pranks they try to pull also never work anymore and it's really frustrating because they've wasted at least five pies on a door.

When they're not puzzling over how Levi is creepily all-knowing these days, they're arguing over whose blog is better.

"How can you have five hundred followers?" Eren rages.

"Face it, Jaeger," Jean smirks. "You'll never have half as many followers as I do."

"I bet you're cheating, you ass-"

"Girls, girls, both your blogs are good," Reiner cuts in, smirking. "But mine is better."

"Well, actually, someone said that of all of us, I'm their favorite," Bertholdt says. "They also said something about me being totally in character."

"What does that even mean?" Annie asks.

"I'll show you," Bertholdt says, opening up his blog.

**silvander4eva**: OMG you're my favorite person ever! This is hilarious. And you're so good at staying in character!

Ymir isn't impressed. "And what does that mean, exactly?"

"I think it just means that I'm good at what I do," Bertholdt says. "I mean, you can clearly sense the approval."

"That's cool, Bertl," Krista says, smiling.

The others continue to talk about it, and Levi happens to overhear the conversation.

Later that day, he almost drops his phone.

**ererilove:** Come on! Ur totally not in character because the REAL Levi would be in love with Eren! ERERI FOREVER!

Everyone was enjoying a lazy afternoon off as it was raining outside, when suddenly the doors to the dining hall slam open. It was Levi, looking ready to go on a murder spree. Before anyone could start pointing fingers at each other, Levi growled dangerously "You are all banned from Tumblr." His eyes narrow. "FOREVER." Without another word, he slams the doors closed to take an hour long shower.

Once everyone has recovered from the initial shock, Sasha exclaims, "Wait. Levi has a Tumblr? SINCE WHEN?"

"Of course he has a Tumblr," Armin says. "How else do you think he knew all our secrets? He's been following us this entire time!"

Instantly, everyone is thinking of everything they've posted. "Armin! Why didn't you tell us?" Eren asks, angry that he got busted for tracking mud into the kitchen.

Armin shrugs. "It was kind of funny."

"Armin!"

* * *

**Yes, the code Armin uses actually works. If you can figure it out, then you are amazing. :D**

**Also, if you have any ideas for future chapters, feel free to leave a review or message me and I'll definitely consider it!**

**Just in case you haven't figured out who everyone is, here's a list:**

**nerdcorps104 – Armin**

**mrseabiscuit – Jean**

**foodguru26 – Sasha**

**theavatarman – Connie (because he's bald so he's like the Avatar)**

**2tall4u – Bertholdt**

**luvdatass – Reiner**

**incrediblehulk2 – Eren**

**brotherskeeper10 – Mikasa**

**kickurass – Annie**

**freedomangel – Krista**

**historylover17 - Ymir**


	4. Levi Heichou Jokes

**Happy April 1st! While I don't enjoy the cruel pranks that some people come up with, a good sense of humor is always great.**

**Special thanks to museoforpheus for helping me out with this and providing some of the jokes!**

* * *

It is a perfectly average March day, and all the recruits are bored out of their minds. It's a rare day when they have time for themselves, but it's not particularly sunny outside (everyone's expecting it to rain) and they're all feeling lazy. But still bored.

"Guys, I have the perfect April Fools Prank!" The doors burst open, a bundle of energy flying through.

"Connie, if your idea turns out like the last one, I will personally make you clean the dining hall by yourself," Jean growls.

"No, this one is brilliant, I swear," Connie says. "And we can kind of make it into a sort of competition!"

"Sounds great," Sasha says, grinning. "What's the plan?"

"This." Connie holds up a pad of paper. "Basically, we'll put these everywhere – mirrors, doors, cabinets – and each one will have a Levi Heichou joke on it."

Silence. Making jokes about Levi is always hilarious, but they risk the wrath of their Captain.

"Making fun of Heichou sounds like a really bad idea," Eren says. "Especially because most of the stuff people will come up with will be about his height."

"No, we're going to compliment him, actually," Connie explains, grinning. "He'll expect us to be making fun of him, but instead, we'll be complimenting him."

"Wait, what?"

"Listen to this one that I came up with." Connie clears his throat dramatically. "Levi Heichou was born with a blade in one hand and a broom in the other."

Someone snickers. "Fine, let's do it," Jean says, smirking. "I can't wait to see his face when he reads that."

"Great," Connie grins, passing out pieces out paper out to everyone. "Whoever comes up with the best joke is exempt from cleaning duty!"

Which is enough incentive for anyone.

A few days later, Levi walks down to the kitchen to grab another cup of tea. Unfortunately, his box of tea isn't where he last left it. "Braus," he growls, searching fervently for his missing tea. Instead of tea, he finds a piece of paper taped to the cupboard door.

"Tea was made when Levi Heichou scared leaves into being delicious."

He wanted to assign the little punks all garbage duty until he could find the culprit, but what could he say as the reasoning behind the punishment? That they were unexpectedly complimenting him? No, that wouldn't do at all.

In the end he decided he was more confused than angry, so he let it slide.

Later in the day, when Levi walks into the bathroom, and taped on the mirror is yet another piece of paper.

"The source of the Walls' longevity and protection comes from Levi Heichou's cravat."

While filing his daily reports, he found yet another note placed in the windowsill of his office. This one reads: "A 30 meter class titan stepped on Levi Heichou. One emerged from the confrontation shorter, and the other dead."

Apparently these notes have infiltrated every aspect of his life. While going through his daily cleaning ritual, Levi grabs a box of bleach, and there is a paper stuck inside saying, "Levi Heichou blinds the titans with his sparkliness."

Someone really went overboard and folded their paper into a fortune cookie and put it on Levi's desk. There is also a folded origami cup next to it. The fortune cookie says: "When life gives Levi Heichou lemons, he feeds them to the titans." Levi almost doesn't bother unfolding the cup, but when he does, it reveals the message: "Levi Heichou doesn't have to eat food (which furthers our speculations that he is a mutated titan). He survives on tea and the sweat of his inferiors."

"Fear of Levi Heichou is not called achondroplasiaphobia. It's called logic." This one is located on one of the bookshelves and no one understand it except Armin (who made it up) and he cracks up everytime he walks by.

When Connie said that they would put jokes everywhere, he really meant everywhere.

There's even one on one of the lamps in the main hallway ("Levi Heichou is faster than the speed of light. You're dead before you see him."), and Hanji doubles over in laughter when she sees it.

Later that week, Eren and Mikasa walk by the front door to head to the stables and are surprised to see Bertholdt practically rolling on the ground in laughter. Reiner is kneeling next to him, muttering something that sounds like, "Conceal it. Don't feel it. Don't let them know."

"Um, Bert? Are you okay?" Eren asks, walking up. He's concerned – Bertholdt looks like he might die.

"He's fine," Reiner replies, trying (unsuccessfully) to get his friend to stop laughing.

"Uh, okay then," Eren says, and he and Mikasa walk away.

Bertholdt is still laughing when Annie walks by. "What the heck is going on?" she asks.

Reiner says nothing, only points at the piece of paper that is taped to the doorway.

"Levi Heichou could make the Colossal Titan do the laundry."

Annie rolls her eyes, slaps Reiner upside the head, and drags Bertholdt away by the ear. "Idiots," she mutters.

But Bertholdt continues to laugh whenever he does the laundry, and no one understands why.

Everytime Levi opens a drawer or walks through a door, there is another piece of paper. One is stuck to the top of a hallway closet. Who knows what that person was thinking, because Levi can barely reach that high.

It says: "It's a good thing Levi Heichou is so short. If he was taller, no man would get any of the ladies." When Mikasa sees this, she feels a great desire to comment, so when no one is around, she writes: "If he was taller then more people would tell him how ugly he is."

Jean, Armin, and Connie walk by to see what it says.

"Oh dear," Armin says. "I hope Heichou hasn't seen that yet."

"Quick, erase it," Jean says.

"Dang, it would have been funny," Connie grumbles. "We haven't had an Ackerman vs. Rivaille fight in so long. And I'm running out of money! I need something to bet on!"

"Connie, you don't have money because you bet on stuff," Jean says. Meanwhile, Armin has erased Mikasa's comment and is standing on his tiptoes to put it back in its place.

"Armin, you're so short," Jean comments.

"You can't be short unless you're shorter than Levi Heichou," Armin responds, grinning.

"Hey!" Connie protests.

Meanwhile Eren spots another one: "Once, Levi Heichou leaned against Wall Rose. It took five months to repair the damage."

"Wait, is it saying that Levi is fat?" he asks, confused.

"No, idiot, it means he's strong," Jean says, giving Eren a look like "Fat? Really?"

"Who are you calling an idiot?" Eren growls, grabbing Jean's shirt.

Connie holds out a hand and Sasha sighs, putting some cash in his hand. Sasha bet that it would take Eren and Jean five minutes to get into a fight. Connie bet two.

During dinner that evening, everyone is giggling about their favorite Levi Heichou jokes when the devil himself burst into the room, holding a piece of paper in his hand.

"Alright, you brats have been sticking these things everywhere. Don't even try to deny it. I want it all cleaned up by tomorrow morning."

"But Heeeeeeiiiiiiccchhhhooooou!" they protest in unison.

"Don't 'but Heichou' me." Levi gives them the glare of the century.

Later that night one very brave soul sneaks into Levi's room. They freeze for a minute when a floorboard creaks. Levi is known to to be a very light sleeper, one who keeps a dagger under his pillow. Still, they manage to stick a note to his face: "A glare from Levi Heichou once froze the sun for two weeks."

"Ackerman, I know it was you." Levi and Mikasa are locked in an intense staring contest during a breakfast of pancakes the next morning.

"It was Sasha," Mikasa replies.

"Mikasa! It wasn't me!" Sasha protests.

"Braus has the grace of an elephant. It was obviously you," Levi repeats.

"If it was me then that means that I could kill you in your sleep, which I would gladly do," Mikasa counters.

Levi remains unfazed. "Then I guess you wouldn't mind signing papers in my office all day. That's an order, Ackerman."

Mikasa mutters a few choice words but can't go against orders.

"Whoever did that totally won," Connie says, grinning. But no one knows who exactly went all ninja and stuck that paper on Levi's face, and no one was willing to admit they were the one.

A couple days later, Hanji bursts into Levi's office angrily. "What is the meaning of this?" she shouts, dragging in a terrified and bedraggled Armin. Hanji found him outside running laps but hadn't gotten to him until he resembled a wet dog. One that fell in a muddy hole and couldn't get out.

"They were undermining my authority so I'm punishing them until I find out who did it," Levi explains. "Sticking those ridiculous notes everywhere, sneaking into my room…"

Hanji doesn't say anything, but suddenly she bursts into laughter. The shift in emotion is like falling off a cliff. She has to grab the edge of Levi's desk to keep from doubling over in laughter. Armin stares at her with wide eyes, while Levi mentally shoots himself.

Once she calms down a little, she says, "Armin, go down and get yourself some tea. Sasha has some good stuff stashed and I'm sure she'd give you some," and pats him on the head. Armin scurries the heck out of there, anime style.

"What exactly is so funny?" Levi growls, annoyed. He's had enough of Hanji's insanity to last a lifetime.

"I was the one who snuck into your room," Hanji declares with a smirk. "And I got away with it pretty easily."

Levi's mouth dropped through the ground (and possibly dug a hole all the way to the other side of the world).

Should he be relieved or horrified? It means that none of those runts were the ones who were able to sneak in on him.

On the other hand, it's Hanji.

Levi's frustration level has reached its peak, so he really just explodes.

Yet somehow Hanji manages to survive.

* * *

**Levi Rivaille jokes! Because Chuck Norris jokes are way overdone!**


	5. Now Playing in a Theater Near You

**Even if you have never seen the movie "The Road to El Dorado" this will still (hopefully) be funny. But if you haven't seen the movie, you totally should! I really regret not watching it sooner.**

* * *

"So, any movie suggestions?" Armin has the laptop open on the floor in front of him, and everyone is gathered around.

"As long as it's not a horror movie, I'm good with anything," Jean says, shuddering in remembrance of the first time they watched one.

"Aw, was Jean scared?" Eren mocks.

Jean glares. "You were the one who was clinging on to Mikasa for dear life."

Eren just glares back, but doesn't have a good comeback. But everyone silently agrees that they shouldn't watch anymore horror movies. Especially at night, a time when your Captain could be mistaken for an extremely demon from another dimension.

"Hey, last time we watched an animated movie that was pretty good," Bertholdt says. "We could watch another one of those!"

Everyone murmurs in agreement, while Connie and Sasha burst into song.

"Be a man!"

"We must be swift as a coursing river!"

"With all the force of a great typhoon!"

Reiner groans. "Not this again."

"With all the strength of a raging fire!"

"I thought they were finally done with spontaneously bursting into song," Mikasa mutters.

Sasha pauses for a moment, grinning. "Never!" she shouts, then joins Connie in belting, "Mysterious as the dark side of the mooooon!"

Annie mutters a few curses under her breath.

"Okay, guys, I picked a movie," Armin says. "It's called: The Road to El Dorado."

"Does it have singing in it?" Reiner asks. Sasha and Connie have the memories of elephants when it comes to memorizing and singing (off key) songs.

"Uh, I don't know."

(It does) but they decide to watch it anyways.

Five minutes later, 81% of the group is rolling on the floor in laughter. Mikasa and Annie roll their eyes at the antics of Tulio and Miguel, but even Mikasa cracks a smile.

And then the horse appears.

"You know it has an uncanny appearance to Jean," Eren muses.

Silence. One very long moment for Jean.

"YES! JUST. YES." Everyone explodes into laughter. Jean facepalms. From then on, every time the horse does something, it's ten times funnier because no one can stop comparing the horse to Jean. Like when the horse gets drunk. Or chases after an apple.

Later on, Sasha says, "Hey does anyone think that Tulio and Miguel are like Bertl and Reiner?"

Reiner and Bertholdt just look at her with raised eyebrows, but five seconds later…

"THEY TOTALLY DO!" Connie exclaims.

"Bertholdt is even tall like Tulio," Jean adds, although he is still angry that they made him the horse.

"And the friends are so close they can practically read each other's mind," Armin says.

"And those mandolin playing skills." Sasha grins.

"Yeah, it's how I get all the ladies," Reiner says, smirking.

"Please. You can't even sing," Annie retorts.

"You've never heard me sing," Reiner says, crossing his arms.

"Everyone has heard you sing," Bertholdt groans. It's true - everyone nearly went deaf after hearing Reiner screech his favorite songs in the showers (in fact it's surprising that the glass didn't break).

They've almost forgotten about the movie, but then they see Jean -*cough* I mean, the horse - dive off the ship in pursuit of an apple.

The movie is much enjoyed, especially after they have established the fact that Tulio is Bertholdt, Miguel is Reiner, and Altivo is Jean.

"Ha, well then I end up with all the gold," Jean smirks. "Sucks to suck."

"Whoa, Tulio and Chel. Bertholdt, you are one lucky man," Reiner elbows his friend and wiggles his eyebrows.

Bertholdt just shifts and sweats uncomfortably.

"Guys we should reenact this!" Sasha suddenly says. They can't tell if she's joking or not.

"Actually," Armin muses. "That's not such a bad idea."

So it's decided - they're going to put on a production of: The Adventures of Bertholdt and Reiner (and Jean). They decided to rename it partly because they thought the actual title was too lame for their purposes. They also modify the story a little so that they're running from titans instead of giant stone jaguars.

Bertholdt and Reiner are, of course, the leading roles. And everyone wants Jean to be the horse.

"Jean, you have to be Altivo," Eren says.

"I am not going to be a freaking horse," Jean growls.

So Eren goes to Plan B. "Mikasa, convince him to be the horse!"

"Why me?"

"Because Jean would do anything for you."

After dinner Jean walks in, unhappily saying that fine, he'll be the horse. Eren and Armin look at Mikasa curiously, but all she does is calmly eat her dinner.

"I am going to be the shaman," Ymir says, on their second day of planning. "No questions asked." She is stoked to be the creepy villain of the story. It's like her calling in life or something.

Connie decides that he wants to be the king. And Annie volunteers to be the soldier, because really all she has to do is beat people up and she is good at that. Everyone else will work backstage with props.

But there is one more problem…

"So who should be Chel?" Armin asks.

"I nominate Krista," Jean says.

"Great idea," Reiner agrees. Ymir gives Bertholdt a if-you-try-kissing-her-I-will-kill-you look and he cringes and looks away awkwardly.

Krista blushes. "I don't want to act," she replies. "Someone else can be Chel."

"Mikasa, you be Chel then," Jean says. He would have suggested Mikasa first, but didn't because Bertholdt was Tulio and he was just the freaking horse.

"No, this is stupid, I am not going to act in this," Mikasa replies, crossing her arms.

Armin is silently relieved. Mikasa really doesn't have a sense of humor, and she definitely wouldn't want to act. In fact, acting would be the one thing she would be bad at.

"Okay fine, who should be Chel then?" Jean asks.

"I want to be Chel!" Sasha says, walking through the door armed with a pile of wood. Levi was annoyed that she was gathering wood for their play, but Hanji had been so ecstatic about it Sasha almost fell over with the amount of wood that was suddenly heaped into her arms.

"No way, Potato Girl," Jean scowls.

"Don't call me that," Sasha says angrily. "I can outshoot any of you any day."

"You shouldn't be Chel," Annie replies.

"Why not?" Sasha challenges.

"Because you're too stupid."

"Why you-"

"Okay guys, calm down!" Armin shouts. "I'll be Chel."

"Wait, you?" Reiner asks, slightly confused.

"I'll be her," Armin repeats. "Since no one can agree on anything otherwise." They consider this for a moment. Chel is an intelligent character, with just the right amount of sass. A lot like Armin, if you think about it.

"Fine you can be Chel," Jean says. "At least I'll be in good company."

"Aw, Bertholdt and Armin sitting in a tree," Connie starts singing, obnoxiously grinning. "K-I-S-S-I-ow!"

"Shut up," Mikasa growls, hitting Connie upside the head.

Armin and Bertholdt awkwardly looked at each other. They're good friends, but that just makes it more awkward (and Connie really isn't helping).

Finally, they can start practice. Mikasa isn't officially in charge, but she's the one who keeps everyone in line. Which is a good thing, because if she wasn't there to glare at people, there would be utter chaos. Connie + Scissors = BAD NEWS.

"No, it's pronounced "L-Door-ah-doh" not like how you're pronouncing it," Armin explains exasperatedly.

Sasha tries again. "Il-deer-ay-doh". It's a good thing Sasha doesn't actually have to say the name of the city during the play.

"No, L-Door-ah-doh," Armin repeats for the fifth time.

"That's what I said!"

Meanwhile, Jean is balanced precariously on a rickety ladder, reaching up to the rafters. Levi wouldn't let them use their gear for "recreational purposes", so they had to dig some out from the basement. It's crazy-town on the floor beneath him, and it really would be just his luck if someone ran into his ladder and knocked him down.

Eren and Armin even bet on it. That is not a good thing.

I shouldn't have volunteered to be up here, Jean thinks, muttering a curse when the ladder rocks again.

But soon he manages to get the curtains put up and everything is put into place.

When they're finally ready to perform, Hanji drags Levi in to watch (there may or may not have been blackmailing involved).

"It's showtime," Connie says, grinning, motioning for Mikasa to dim the lights. He's wearing a crown made of leaves and thread, and his outfit is something Krista managed to put together. She made all the costumes, finding bits of fabric here and there.

In the audience, Hanji is whooping and hollering. She could probably make up an entire audience just by herself. Levi sits next to her, scowling, thinking of all the paperwork he had to put off for this.

The curtains part, and soon it is clear that no one really focused on memorizing lines. At all.

Well, Bertholdt has his lines memorized, but no one can tell because he's all nervous and about performing, so he speaks really quietly. But by the time the first chase scene happens, Bertholdt really gets into his role as Tulio. Everyone is surprised that he's actually a pretty good actor.

And since they have no gold, they use bread as the gold instead (something that Reiner thought was stupid but there was nothing else they could use). Of course, the bread is handled by many hands, and the entire time Levi thinks about how much bread they just got germy and wasted. The five second rule really doesn't apply here.

There is one scene where Tulio and Miguel get their clothes stolen by monkeys (aka Sasha) and they have to chase after them. Everyone is looking forward to this part (come on, even Ymir has some appreciation for Reiner's abs).

"This is going to be hilarious," Eren says to Armin backstage.

"Yeah totall - hey wait. That's not Reiner's costume," Armin notices, confused.

"Ohmygosh," Eren breathes, starting to laugh. "I'm pretty sure Sasha just replaced Reiner's clothes with a dress."

Pink and frilly, Reiner looks at it, shrugs, and puts it on anyways. Everyone freezes for a moment, but then the play has to be stopped for a couple minutes so that people can stop laughing. Levi just sits there holding his head in his hands, feeling a colossal headache coming on.

When Armin comes in as Chel, he knocks everyone's socks off because he's just that great at acting. Obviously he and Bertholdt aren't going to make out on stage, but they joke around and have a blast instead.

Reiner actually keeps the dress on for the entirety of Act I. "We will return to Il Dirado after a brief intermission," Sasha announces with a dramatic bow to their two-person audience, and Armin resists the urge to hit his head against the wall.

Their ultimate favorite scene is the one where the gang gets drunk, and it's really hilarious because Reiner and Bertholdt really get into character, but Jean just kind of stumbles around awkwardly, because he doesn't know what he's supposed to do.

"Jean, dance or something!" Sasha hisses from off-stage.

Jean starts to do this awkward robot-dancing. In the audience, Levi is restraining Hanji, who just will not sit still because the music is playing and she wants to join the party.

"I can't tell if that play was a success or not," Armin says, when the curtain closes (Hanji is still cheering).

"Plot was a total flop," Eren replies. "But the rest of it was brilliant." Armin has to agree, because even if they didn't really get the point across that the shaman-dude was actually bad, the play was full of unexpected surprises. Half the time was probably spent with them rolling on the floor backstage.

"Hanji liked it," Connie adds.

"Oh, I'm so glad," Jean deadpans.

Levi's only comment about the play is that they had better clean up, before stalking away for another dose of caffeine in preparation for a long night of paperwork.

"Don't worry," Hanji says, winking. "He liked it, even if he didn't show it. You know how he is."

They all stay up late laughing about the play, eating cheese and potatoes. But then they really regret it when Levi kicks them out of bed at five in the morning the next day for training.

If only they had become thespians.

* * *

**Literally as soon as I started thinking of the horse as Jean the movie got ten times funnier. :D**


	6. Titan PETs

**This is for Not so human. :) I took your idea and built off of it. I hope you like it. Thanks so much for all the reviews!**

* * *

It's inspection day so Erwin takes his Personal Electronic Tablet (provided by Titan Mobile of course) and heads off to the Survey Corps HQ.

Hanji is the one who opens the door, bright and chipper as usual. "Commander! Good morning!" she says. Behind her, Moblit flips through pages on a clipboard, most likely committing things to memory that Hanji will forget.

"Good morning, Hanji," Erwin replies, walking through the door.

"Ooh!" Hanji exclaims. "You have a Titan PET!"

Erwin can't help grimacing. It really is a strange name for such a device, combined with the name of the company.

"Yes I do," he says.

"They're so handy aren't they?" Hanji leads Erwin through the hallway. "I use mine for practically everything." She looks at Moblit, who has been following close behind. "I don't know why you still carry that thing around. It uses so much paper, and so inefficient."

She grabs the clipboard from her assistant and throws it behind her shoulder, as poor Moblit runs after it was a faint: "But Squad Leader!"

Hanji takes Erwin to a large room with a sofa at one end and a large blackboard behind it.

"Levi is beating the kids into shape for you. It seems they didn't clean up to his expectations, so it might take a little bit for them to show up," Hanji explains.

"I don't mind waiting," Erwin replies, sitting down on the sofa.

"I'll let them know you're here. Oh and by the way, it's really fun to look up your name and see what comes up." And with that, she's gone.

Curious, Erwin opens up his tablet and types in: Erwin Smith.

The first thing that comes up is: Commander Erwin Smith (aka Commander Handsome, according to members of the 104th Trainees Squad).

Erwin can't help it - he laughs out loud.

"I didn't know they thought that about me," he says to himself. "Interesting."

Moblit knocks on the door and brings in a glass of water, and then not long afterwards, the recruits file in. Levi is right behind them.

"Commander Erwin, sir!" They all salute.

"At ease," Erwin says. "So, Levi, how is their training going?"

"They still haven't learned respect, that's for sure," Levi growls, plopping down on the couch.

"It doesn't seem like that at all," Erwin says, getting up and walking down the line, examining the trainees closely.

"So, I hear that some of you like to call me Commander Handsome," Erwin says.

Somewhere down the line, someone squeaks. Erwin sees that it's a girl with brown hair pulled into a ponytail.

"Braus, what did I say?" Levi snarls, zeroing in on the noise. Clearly, he is in an extremely good mood. Erwin considers patting him on the head just to see what would happen but refrains.

"Sasha Braus?" Erwin questions. The girl looks up. "Step forward."

She swallows, but steps forward and raises her arms in a salute. "Yes, sir!"

"Is it true that you and your comrades refer to me as 'Commander Handsome'?" Erwin asks, raising one (stupendous) eyebrow.

Sasha didn't know what to say. If she told the truth it would be completely embarrassing, but if she didn't she might offend the commander. On the other hand, she might face the wrath of her companions if she told the truth...

"No sir," she says, voice quavering a little.

Erwin doesn't know what to think about that, but it's amusing anyway. And it's not like he doesn't like the nickname.

After asking a few more general questions he dismisses them. He'll be around for the rest of the day, observing their training and how they function as a whole.

He uses his PET to video their training. Levi is a slave driver but it's clear that they all have improved. Especially Mikasa Ackerman. It's funny how she and Levi are so similar yet despise each other.

Although it is hilarious that she makes fun of his height. Everyone does it, but Mikasa comes up with... interesting nicknames. Evil Midget. Devil Dwarf. And Erwin's personal favorite: Pygmy Titan.

He learns all this through the online database, because he decides that he'd like to know more about the future soldiers of humanity, particularly the ones of interest.

He reads one that causes him to, once again, raise one (fabulous) eyebrow. "Is Armin Arlert Commander Erwin's son? Or is Commander Erwin really Armin from...THE FUTURE?"

It's lunchtime when Erwin reads this, seated at one of the tables at the left of the dining hall. He doesn't know if he should feel honored. After all, Armin is one of the most brilliant strategists he's seen.

Everyone is nervous that he is watching them even as they eat. At first, they think that since he has his PET with him, he won't really pay that much attention to them. And mostly, Erwin is just typing up reports and looking things up.

Suddenly, his finger slips and accidentally clicks on a link. Too late, he realizes that it is a video, and he doesn't have his volume turned down.

"LET'S MAKE THE MOST OF THE NIGHT LIKE WE'RE GONNA DIE YOUNG!"

Everyone stares. Erwin clears his throat, pauses the video, and makes his escape (what he was looking at that made that link show up…?).

The recruits look at each other in confusion and then shrug. That's not the weirdest thing that's happened to them. Then they start to get really confused when Erwin starts staring, at a couple of people in particular, during his rounds of inspection.

He spends a very long time trying to decide whether or not Jean Kirschtein really does have a horse face.

"Do you know why Commander Erwin keeps looking at me?" Jean mutters, focusing his attention of saddling his horse.

"Beats me," Reiner shrugs.

"Maybe you're in trouble." Connie grins. "You didn't do so well in training this morning. He's probably just waiting to see you fall off your horse."

"Shove off!" Jean wants to actually shove Connie off the bench but figures that wouldn't leave a very good impression.

Eren gets up to grab some more bread, and notices that Erwin is looking at him extremely strangely.

Because you see... Erwin has discovered Ereri. Poor, poor, poor, Erwin.

If it weren't so disturbing, it would be absolutely hilarious.

"So, Levi, what do you think of the Jaeger boy?" Erwin asks at the end of the day.

"The brat could be taken down a notch or two," Levi grumbles.

"So what is this 'Ereri' situation I learned about?"

Levi almost falls out of his chair at the mention of the E-word. "How do you know about that?"

"I read about it on my PET," Erwin explains.

In his mind, Levi shatters Erwin's tablet into dust. The aura he emits could probably kill a million titans.

It is quite intimidating but all Erwin can think about are all the Levi and cleaning jokes. Levi would make a fine princess; spending the day cleaning and talking with animals (because he hates people). And yanking Levi out of his comfort zone is quite amusing.

Erwin makes a mental note to thank Hanji for telling him to look people up. Titan PETs are more useful than he thought.

But then Hanji takes his gratitude as a reason to tell him even more.

"So basically, with this game, you control this little person who swings between the pillars on 3DMG. You're trying not to hit the pillars on top and bottom," Hanji says, demonstrating.

"That's dumb," Levi drawls from his seat on the couch.

"Why don't you try it and see?" Hanji shoves the tablet into Levi's face. Annoyed, Levi gives it a try. The game is simple in design, easy to understand, and extremely addicting.

It takes Erwin too many tries to pry the tablet away.

He also never stops bugging Levi about the "Ereri" thing, mostly because it annoys the heck out of him.

* * *

**Let's just skip over thinking about how they charge all their electronic devices. **

**Once again, if you have any suggestions for the future, leave a review or send a message. :)**


	7. Levi Heichou is Watching

"Levi Heichou is leaving?!"

"For a month?!"

"And Hanji's leaving too?!"

"Is this a dream? Somebody pinch me - ow!"

Armin winces at the excessive amount of question marks and exclamation points. He doesn't know why Levi is leaving them without supervision. For a month.

Bad idea. Very, very bad idea.

"Who's up for a party?" Ymir says, smirking.

"Heck yeah," Reiner exclaims, leaning back in his chair.

"I bet Hanji has some alcohol hidden somewhere in her room," Connie says. "I bet we could get some!"

"Wouldn't she lock her door though?" Bertholdt asks. He keeps his voice low, since the hallways echo. They're sitting in the dining room, as per usual, discussing this interesting turn of events.

Jean snorts. "Please, this is Hanji we're talking about. She's totally going to forget to lock her door."

"That's what Moblit is for," Annie says.

"Then we'll distract Moblit," Sasha suggests. "He's got a hundred things to remember before they leave, I'm sure that locking Hanji's door is low on his list of priorities."

"Let's do it," Eren grins.

"This is a really bad idea," Mikasa mutters. Armin just sighs. There's no reasoning with any of them.

A couple days later, their superior officers are ready to leave. "Kiddies!" Hanji exclaims. "Ooh, I'm going to miss you!"

They kind of stand there awkwardly or inch away when Hanji attempts to hug them. Connie slips off to distract Moblit.

"I expect this place to look exactly like it was," Levi growls. "Not a speck of dust out of place."

"Yes, Heichou," they chorus.

As soon as Hanji is finished saying her goodbyes (they made sure to set aside time for this because otherwise Hanji would make them late) they leave. The door clicks behind them.

Connie saunters up, grinning. They all look at him, eyebrows raised, and Connie holds up a set of keys.

"Now we can get into Heichou's room too," he says.

"Well, what are we waiting for?" Reiner grins. They would have gone to Hanji's room first, but this is ten times more exciting. They all rush up the stairs to Levi's room and wait eagerly for Connie to open the door.

"Open it up, Connie," Jean says.

"Here goes," Connie says, as everyone crowds around eagerly. They've already placed bets on what they're going to find.

"One second," Connie says, because his phone just sounded. Everyone groans - they've been waiting for this for the last 24 hours.

Connie suddenly pales, drops the keys and runs away.

They all stare at the trail of dust left in his wake.

Eren picks up the keys. "Guess he's going to miss out."

Then everyone else gets a text reading: **Nice try, but unless you want my foot in your face, I wouldn't recommend it.**

Everyone is silent for a moment, and then Reiner releases a long breath. "Reasons why Heichou is practically psychic," he says. Not to mention creepy...

So they never get to find the pink frilly apron Hanji gave Levi for his last birthday. Which he would have burned, but one day everything else was dirty and he had to wear it until he did the laundry. So he keeps it, but he puts it deep, deep, _deep_, in his closet.

They go to Hanji's room next, because if the couldn't find out Levi's secrets, maybe they could at least get something that's just as good. Unfortunately...there isn't any alcohol anywhere. They even make Sasha look through Hanji's office (it's a scarring experience) but find nothing. Levi probably banned all forms of liquid except tea and coffee (aka Levi's life source).

Before he left, Levi left them orders to do some training everyday, but no one actually does that. Except Mikasa, because she _always_ trains, unless she is physically incapable.

Sasha skips into the kitchen one morning for breakfast. She slept in, because they always have to wake up for early morning training sessions and she hates it. And since Levi isn't around to kick her out of bed, she's got free reign!

Just as she opens the pantry door, she gets a message.

It's a picture of Levi with his "killing titans" face, along with a message: **BRAUS YOU FATTY GET BACK TO WORK!**

Sasha shrieks and drops her phone (it doesn't break, Titan Mobile phones are virtually indestructible).

She looks around in terror. Did she accidentally summon Levi's angry spirit or something? How did he know that at this exact moment, she'd be slacking off and getting food?

For the rest of the month, Levi somehow knows exactly what they're doing and where they are, and sends them threats via text message, always coupled with his face. And for once, Armin has no idea how he does it.

When they're in the stables one day, Levi sends them a text that says: **You'd better muck the stables. And if Kirschstein makes it dirty again, he'll have to clean it himself.**

This is kind of counterproductive, because that just makes Jean clench his jaw and bury his face in his hands as the others laugh and throw straw around, so nothing gets done.

Mikasa would have loved to slack off all month, just to spite Levi, but he makes sure that doesn't happen.

**Your turn to clean the kitchen, Ackerman. Just make sure you don't poison anyone,** the message reads.

Mikasa glares at her phone and mockingly says, "Yes, Heichou."

Her phone instantly pings again. **I heard that.**

What. The. Heck.

"Doesn't he have anything better to do?" she mutters. "They went to Sina on important military business. I knew that midget would think himself too high and mighty to pay attention."

And just when they think it couldn't get any worse, Levi takes it a step further.

All of their phones ring at full volume at 4:30 in the morning. And it's not music or anything, it's a recording of Levi telling to get up and make 11 rounds through the training course before breakfast or else he will feed them to Hanji.

It's a really effective alarm. And Levi does it everyday. It drives them _crazy_ but they're not about to risk The Wrath of Levi.

A week before Levi gets back, they run out of bed in a crazed panic when they realize that they woke up at noon.

"There wasn't a message from Heichou today!" Krista says.

They tiptoe around the rest of the day, afraid even though Levi didn't give them their daily wake-up call, he'll double the yelling today.

But the next day is silent. And the next. And the one after that.

"Maybe he finally got too busy to watch after us," Bertholdt suggests. They're holding an emergency What-Is-Going-On meeting. These kind of meetings happen a lot.

"It's possible," Armin agrees.

"Well if Heichou isn't watching us, I say we savor the moment and finally have our party," Reiner says.

And so they party until midnight. And Levi's favorite teacup may or may not have been broken. But they cleaned it up and he has five more of the same exact cup so it was safe.

Or so they thought.

They're all lined up bright and early the morning their superior officers get back, yawning but awake. Levi surveys the place, and then stops.

"So how was your party?" he growls.

Everyone freezes.

"Um," Eren stutters. "What party?"

So they get extra training every day and it's double duty on chores for everyone. Plus they have to buy him a new teacup. It's almost like Levi purposely left them alone so that he could punish them for misbehaving.

So Levi gets the last laugh. Well, it's more like the last smirk. And the last death threat. Because Levi doesn't laugh.

But technically he doesn't actually get the last laugh, because Hanji steals his phone one day during a meeting and takes a thousand selfies. He doesn't notice until a couple weeks later, when he has to painstakingly delete them one by one.

* * *

**This was inspired by a conversation my friend and I had. If we ever shared an apartment, we'd need a giant poster of Levi to motivate us to clean.**

**You're probably wondering how Levi knew what they were doing (aka how he was a creep)****. That's a secret between me and him. ;)**


	8. Ackerman Rules for Life

**Spoiler Alert! If you haven't read Chapter 56 of the manga, or if Tumblr (oh Tumblr, how I love thee -_-) you might not want to read this. This idea was just too good to pass up.**

**Tumblr pretty much exploded though.**

**Like I got on and everyone was freaking out so I was like "whaaaat"**

**But at that point the english translations hadn't come out so I was just confused for a little bit.**

**My friends had to put up with my ranting xD**

**Okay sorry I'm rambling...**

* * *

"She can't know," he says, leaning back in his chair.

"Why not?" The other man asks. "You're one of the only family she has left."

"It's not important."

"It will be important to her."

"But not in a good way."

"Don't be ridiculous, just -"

"No," the first man growls. "You're the first person to know in the last fifteen years. It's not important."

His companion holds up his hands. "Fine, suit yourself. But she's going to find out eventually. And what will she say when she finds out why you hid it from her."

"Whatever."

* * *

"MIKASA MIKASA MIKASA!" Hanji bursts through the door, waving her tablet in the air and almost hitting it against the door frame.

"What?" Mikasa grumbles, looking up from her dinner.

Hanji is silent for a moment and then she starts freaking out even more.

"It all makes sense now! You guys have the same temperaments and the same skill sets so no wonder!"

"You're not making any sense, Hanji," Armin says as Mikasa rolls her eyes and turns back to her food.

Hanji just starts shouting more nonsense and it's even worse than when Eren goes off about killing titans.

"Hanji, calm down!" Armin tries to reason with her. "What is going on?"

After five head-splitting minutes, Hanji finally stops.

"So you can't repeat this to anyone," she whispers. Eren rolls his eyes - the entire room heard her rants, and she was telling _them_ to keep the secret? Then again it was probably something ridiculous, like when Hanji tore the entire place down looking for "extremely important" documents. Turns out they were just pictures of Sawney and Bean that had slipped under some bloody tools.

"But Mikasa," Hanji continues in all seriousness. "Did you know Levi is related to you?"

"What?" All three of them stared at her incredulously.

"Look at this." Hanji pulls up a website on her tablet. "You know how Levi has never told anyone his last name? Well I found some official documentation that says his name is _Levi Ackerman_."

A speechless, jaw-dropping silence filled the air.

The official documentation (aka Wikipedia) surely enough has an article devoted to the one and only Levi Ackerman.

"That isn't possible," Mikasa mutters in horror. But she can't deny official documentation.

"Yeah, Heichou is too short," Eren jokes.

"Well you both are extremely talented," Armin muses. "It's possible he could be a cousin… or uncle…"

"That is just so weird," Eren says, and everyone nods.

"Don't tell anyone about this," Mikasa tells them. "I want to know why he kept this secret from me…"

Thirty minutes later, everyone knows, because Eren has a big mouth and the secret just kind of slipped out. As a result, both the Ackermans want to pummel him, which further convinces people that what Eren said was true. Levi and Mikasa are so similar it's scary...

"It just blows my mind," Sasha says in a quiet whisper so Mikasa won't overhear.

"Everything blows your mind, Sasha." Jean smirks.

"Shut up Kirstein!"

"It's just so strange," Krista says.

Ymir nods her head in agreement. "I'll say."

No one notices when Mikasa slips out of the room.

She walks into Levi's office, because she knows he will be eating or getting tea in the kitchen. Perfect opportunity for some investigation.

Tiptoeing around, she tries the neat stacks of paper on his desk first. All she finds are mission documents. Boring. She's carefully looking through the second file of papers when a voice growls, "Well isn't this just a nice little family reunion? All we need is Jaeger and we'll be one happy family."

Mikasa spins around and coolly looks Levi in the eye.

"What are you doing here, Ackerman?" Levi walks up and snatches the file away from her hands, glaring.

**Ackerman Rule #1: The death glare must be perfected. **

"Why have you been keeping secrets, Ackerman?" Mikasa asks mockingly.

"You don't need to know that," Levi snarls.

Cue the staring contest.

**Ackerman Rule #20: Staring contests are the ultimate test of strength. **

"Fine," Mikasa concedes, and Levi smirks. Mikasa may be related to him, but he is still her captain.

**Ackerman Rule #57: Never go down without a fight.**

Then his shirts start disappearing. Particularly after laundry days, his laundry pile comes back with one less shirt than before. But no matter how much punishment he doles out, nobody confesses to stealing them - why would they _want_ them anyways.

One day instead of a pile of laundry on his bed, he only finds one pink cravat. The message is clear. If he wants is clothes back… he's going to have to face Mikasa.

Mikasa may have lost the last battle, but the war isn't over yet.

But there is an important meeting today and he is not going to wear a pink cravat again because last time that happened it totally diminished his authority.

Mikasa hasn't won yet. Levi finds some of his casual street-wear. It's just a meeting with some of his subordinates, and if anyone has anything to say about it, well they aren't going to be talking about it for very long.

**Ackerman Rule #41: Always prove everyone wrong.**

Coming out of the door, he runs into Mikasa. She looks at what he is wearing and raises an eyebrow.

"You look like a moody teenager," she comments, smirk tugging at her lips.

"Can it, Ackerman," Levi growls.

"Why should I, Ackerman?"

**Ackerman Rule #2: Show your hatred through your eyes, not your words.**

"I am your captain."

"And you could also be my grandfather."

"Actually I'm your second cousin six times removed on your father's side."

"Wait, what?"

"But since I am so distant I decided it wasn't important to tell you."

"You're lying. That's a ridiculous reason."

Levi sighs. He really has to get to this meeting. "Fine," he mutters, reaching into his pocket to bring out an old beaten up book. "Read this and you'll find out why." He tosses the book to her and walks off.

Curious, Mikasa opens it and reveals the Ultimate Secrets of Life.

Well, not really, but close enough.

**Ackerman Rules for Life** **- **_All rules must be fulfilled or an Ackerman you shall never be._

"Interesting," Mikasa murmurs. She brings it along with her, reading it throughout the day.

At first she thinks the entire thing is just a joke. And yet… she fulfills every single requirement. Clearly she is a certified Ackerman. And so is Levi.

Well… almost.

**Ackerman Rule #100: You must be at least 163 cm tall.**

Mikasa actually laughs at this, calling the attention of the other girls as they are all getting ready for bed.

She rushes to Levi's office immediately. "So what, you were disowned?" she asks, waving the book in the air.

Levi groans. She is never going to let him live this down. "I was only two centimeters too short," he snarls.

Mikasa can't help but grin. It's just too funny.

"Shut up Acker-Mikasa." Levi decides not to start another Ackerman-name calling contest. Mikasa tries to relax her facial muscles but the corner of her mouth keeps moving up.

"Because I was disowned I was never invited to the Ackerman family meetings. There are quite a lot. You were never invited because your parents died."

"There are _Ackerman family meetings?_"

"Yes, there are a lot of Ackermans. They stay hidden."

Mikasa is silent in contemplation for a moment, and then she says, "So why don't you drink your coffee with milk?"

Levi blinks. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Armin told me that milk makes you taller."

"Milk ruins the coffee."

"But it's for the sake of the Ackerman family," Mikasa says, with a perfectly straight face.

"Go to sleep," Levi mutters, pointedly turning back to his paperwork.

Mikasa rolls her eyes but an order is an order. She still makes it a point to stick little notes everywhere with pictures of cows and milk.

The Ackerman family is a strange bunch.

* * *

**And that dear readers, is why Levi suddenly became an angsty teenager in the last chapter.**

**Seriously though, Ackermans are taking over the world (My English teacher's last name is Ackerman). But I'm excited to see what is to come. Like, the Ackermans weren't important before, but now there are suddenly two more Ackermans!**

**Wow guys I am so loopy today can you tell?**

**And yes they can find out Levi's last name through wiki but other spoilers are blocked...don't question it...**


End file.
